I’m enlighten to say that this post is not going to be philosophical mantra but also I’m sad to say it’s not going to be about code either. So, if you are not bothered with a young woman’s perspective, emotions or thoughts of what one goes through of being a coding bootcamp, I suggest you don’t carry on.
My confession isn’t as dramatic as it sounds
Starting this post, I have to make a confession. I believe that I partly suffer from the “Truman Show Delusion.” It’s cool if you don’t know what it is as it’s a really unusual delusion. However, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard something along the lines of…
Seriously, sometimes my life feels as if it’s like a movie
…or perhaps, you have experienced it yourself…
Before I start, I am nowhere near being at a detriment. Neither, I would not consider this to seriously impact my life or a condition I have, but I relate to this (and believe it’s exist). Plus, it does explains why my blogs about my journey are written in episodes and can be expressed in such a dramatised manner at times.
The superstar that I feel I am
The “Truman Show Delusion” is a delusion where you believe your life is a staged reality show or the belief they are always being watched by a camera.
It’s been four weeks since I started the bootcamp coding course at Makers. It’s crazy to think I’ve accomplished to learn four weeks worth of stuff (about computers, technology and code) and to have survived it so far. Although I’m having the greatest and enriching experiences of my life, the experience has also brought up feelings I thought I would never feel, thoughts I never would have expected to think and challenges I would never expect to face.
Surprisingly, it’s not the code that I find hard to learn. It’s not the amount of work that eats me inside. It’s not the stress of being behind or needing to keep up that’s making my heart heavy.It’s the other 50% of the challenge of coming to a coding bootcamp that is the experience, which can mess up one’s mind.
Continue reading to find out about the mystery!
Hence, I’ve decided to make this blog to evaluate my own feelings and have hope that someone out there has experienced the feelings of what I have been feeling (so it can confirm I’m not insane). To whoever is feeling the same way, guy or girl, know it’s okay.
What could a bootcamp possibly do to you?
You probably think I’m being such a drama queen with that intro. Isn’t a coding bootcamp simply just a camp to code? You would think so as I initially thought so too. Though, experiencing it at Makers, it is way more that code that you will be experiencing…
It is a life style that you will be experiencing, that will start to infuse in yours. (And At this point, you kinda paid lots of money so you’ll obviously will accept the infusion)
In a duration of a week at Makers, I can conclude you would probably have…
- Had breakfast together
- Reflected together
- Coded together/Paired together
- Go to coding classes together
- Have had coaching together
- Had one to one lessons together
- Found things in common with each other
- Laughed together because you succeeded at coding something
- Gotten frustrated together because there was something you couldn’t figure out
- Possibly have had a cry session about code or life together
- Have lunch together
- Gone on walks together
- Played ping pong together
- Meditated together
- Done yoga together
- Done some after fun activities together like Meringue or play Board Games
- And Gone to the pub together to dish out the gossip.
At least I have…
Having all those activities, some duplicated more than others, compacted in a week, will definitely bonds a group of people together very quickly and that’s exciting! If you are someone who left your past life to come to London for the first time, it’s an amazing feeling to have had made so many good friends in a short period of time. It makes you feel safe, feel comfortable, loved, willing to care for these people, wanting to give it your all to these people and wanting to invest yourself into these people!
But isn’t that also scary to have felt, that you’ve made so many good friends or allowed yourself to…in a short period of time?
Hell yeah it is because vulnerability isn’t something we expose so quickly. It takes time, it takes work, it takes a comfortable enough state and it takes effort to open to people. This is simply an unbelievable miracle or simply all a lie! It’s a bubble of happiness that it looks like we’re stuck in!
Because at the end of the day, this coding bootcamp is only three months.
“Yes Dania, that’s a very short time to let yourself go insane about people you’ve just met…” It’s not as fast as you think, the days actually go really slow. If there is anything I can refer to of when something goes fast but slow at the same time**, it’s this.** If we actually take a step back and look at the list of things we would have already done in a week, ask yourself:
Is it normal for a group of people to be isolated together and do all these things together for that long period of time?
…Okay, I mean it’s not as bad as that social experiment documentary, “We live in Public” where a bunch of people’s lives are always on camera for a month but it’s proof, that a bootcamp experience is not normal.
I’m going to try explain it in the best way I can but I call this the part where the “glass shatters.” By which, I mean the view you had on the experience or people has shattered and you see them as something different. It’s a cringy, awful feeling where you wish you could put all the pieces of your past view all back together so you don’t have to experience it.
So whilst you’re feeling this (in my case about people) or experience, you then start to think the following:
- Have I gotten my priorities wrong whilst I was here?
Am I not working hard enough? (In my defence, this was not the issue at all as I was not so long ago, told to take it down a notch)
- Should I be more focused on code? (As if you aren’t already)
- Should I be less invested in these people and just treat them professionally? (As if you aren’t already)
- What if these people are not the good friends I thought they were? (The spiral begins here…)
- What if they have a different friendship with me and I thought otherwise?
- What if they secretly hate me, or are annoyed with me?
- They could probably leave me in the dust and forget me…right? I could be conjuring up all these friendships in my head…
Whilst you’re experiencing that, you then feel isolated as you know you’re the only one who’s experiencing it. You feel trapped because if you asked these people whether you are good friends with them, they would think your insane.You feel partly betrayed with yourself for putting this mirage in front of you to believe in. You start feeling strange where your heart feels heavy and your brain can’t compute what your feeling. You start feeling jealous that other people seem fine with the friendships they have because they haven’t questioned it, unlike you have. The only quote in your head that’s constantly repeating is…
Although my social perspectives has turned upside down, I think going through a bootcamp routine for five days straight within a week, for four weeks can extremely affect you. Whether the shifts occur in your life, in your work, in your social routines, the shock of that change can really push you off your mind’s balance and conflicts can start with your thoughts.
Not as crazy as this, but you know…
A bootcamp is definitely a strange environment to be in. It can sometimes feel like your on that tv show Big Brother or can feel like the work environment we ever dream of being in. It can quickly influence you, mix your feelings up very easily and often push you off your balance.
This is where I stop analysing my own feelings and making you listen to them. As I’ve opened the topic for discussion, this is where we start listing the some struggles one can have with the experience and the moments one should cherish about the experience…as when there’s darkness, there’s always light to shine the way.
Note: You’re probably awaiting a “I’M NOT BEING SEXIST” line but that’s an influence I’ve probably got from Makers since they put a great importance of the topics of gender. HAHA! However, at the end of the day, I’m only speaking from a perspective of a 23 year old woman who is being introduced to a perfect scenario of a positive working environment.
The struggles one faces in a bootcamp experience:
The awkwardness of treating people professionally or as friends…
Makers is an environment where it comfortable makes everyone friends. This is because around 20 people come in with the same struggle and aim with the same sort of goal. Everyone in Makers is cool with each other.
This is where the problem comes in, where when your working, do you treat a person professionally or can you work with them as your friends? It will be a constant battle of finding where you and people will stand. It will an ongoing game of throwing darts and every dart you throw, must be an emotion of you put aside, of whether you could have a connection with this person.
You may have great moments with a person, you may be at a stance with a person or you may do something “not professional”and mess things up for a moment…like I said, treating this like a game of darts with your potential “friend” or professional “co-worker”, is hard.
How to feel about people…
As coding is surprisingly intimate, we’ll open up easier and quicker than we think we would. It’s very easy to feel like you and your pair partner are immediate friends, or so great friends, or even more, best friends. However, that might not be the case. Thus, it can be a let down when you realise you aren’t that close to the person as you thought you were. I know,part of you will hate how pairing does this to you but also see the wonders of it.
In addition, speaking as a young woman, who’s in a course where there aren’t many girls to begin with, definitely can mix up your feelings. Not in a sense of the fact that it’s exciting to meet a bunch of well-rounded amazing guys (although that’s partly true), but just how to interact with them and know where the boundaries are. The crossroads of friends and the possibility of what could come is fun but dangerous waters to be in.
The idea that your life has to be centred around this bootcamp…
A bootcamp feels like you can never have a break. Everyday you are dedicating yourself to this course whether it be week challenges or weekend challenges. Why wouldn’t you? Obviously, you paid lots of money and you are simply wanting to make the most out of it?
However, this can isolate you from your family and friends you have, even if they are in London. As you are constantly interacting with the same people and feel like you always have to, it makes that unhealthy separation where it’s puts you in a situation where you suddenly forgot the other parts of your life and that, this bootcamp is all there is to it.
The moments one should cherish about a bootcamp:
How cool and open everyone actually is…
The pro about a Makers environment is that it provides you a safe space to express how you feel and how you can interact. It’s a space where you won’t feel that people will hate you (or at least to your face) and it’s space where everyone understands the emotions that you are going through. At the end of the day, everyone who’s there has decided to ride the rollercoaster of emotions doing this course.
Whether it’s the Yoga, the meditation sessions or the group sessions, it’s all comforting to know that you can express what you’re feeling to people who understand. PS: Meditation is great because it’s a chance where people have to listen to whatever story you want to say…
The perks of the bootcamp that is making your life healthy…
You would think a bootcamp is as intense to code all the time. Think again.
What I’m really grateful for at Makers is the fact that they respect your choices to keep yourself healthy and balance. They try support you in whatever they can whether it’s emotional support, exercise, free healthy food, the encouragement of breaks and fun times. If you are student who came from another country, why need a gym when Makers offer free Yoga classes?
The fact that everything can go wrong and you can still laugh about it…
I’m sure in the industry, when things go wrong, it’s the end of the world. We don’t even have to go there actually…when we don’t know something about a project we are working on, it can also feel like the end of the world.
At Makers, you and your pair partner can see your laptop shut down while you run rack up and laugh about it for a moment. The fact that Makers provide an environment where if you don’t know something or something goes wrong, it’s okay to feel that way. No one will shame you for it.
The part we all look forward to, Solutions
- If you feel strange, whether your heart feels heavy or that your brain is not computing what you are feeling, have a break from your routine. It’s better you sit down to try evaluate your feelings than forget about your feelings to move forward.
- Realise why you started this bootcamp to begin with and your goal of why you came here to begin with. It might hurt a little when you realise you have to have the eye on the prize, but it’s good for you…
- Do something fun that you always wanted to do! Or do something fun that you used to do! Go for brunch, go to a gallery, go to a disco, do something on your bucket list! Your life isn’t just about code, you are allowed to have breaks and allowed to have fun! Go do something else!
- Have a day when you will have nothing to do with the bootcamp, so you can explore or find back what else is in your life.
- Talk to someone about it. A close friend, someone who is on the same level as you. Someone you feel who won’t judge you for having these feelings because having all these feelings in a bootcamp is okay. They will probably make you realise that they are feeling the same feelings as you are and that the problem isn’t as big as you think it is. The only thing that’s changed might be your view so hey, the friends you made at this bootcamp still like you.
I apologize if these are disappointing but that’s all there’s to it in my eyes. I’ve done all of these solutions and felt better about myself. Though I admit, it’s a tricky mesh of feelings I’m still trying to figure out but at least all these steps have allowed all the feelings to be untangled…
Going through a whirlwind of emotions, I’ve noticed you’ll always move forward once you realise the feelings, realise why you are feeling these feelings and then figure out what you need, to let these feelings pass.
Fun Fact of the Day:
Most of the times when we feel like potatoes (when we feel we’re not good enough or useless), we always want validation from our friends (because it secretly gives us an outer perspective that to strangers, we look great).
Though, it’s not necessarily that you need to ask for it. Sometimes, people’s actions are just enough to show you are cared about.