Facebook’s 5 pillars will save you from yourswlf. Soon enough, naysayers shall relinquish their rights, because what were just features will soon become requirements of our multinational, digital state. Our fully autonomous publics relations department shall be releasing a press release regarding the imminent roll out tomorrow. Lookout for an automated press release from the our Press Release page, which is fully automated thanks to our fully autonomous marketing department.
5 Pillars Picture: Facebook/Mark Zuckerberg, File Source:Facebook
At Facebook, our dogma dictates that data never lies. “In data, we trust”; hence, we pride ourselves as the accurate interpreter of numbers generated from (FaceBig) data. As forerunners of (FaceBig) data and supreme leader of all things machine generated, it only makes sense that Facebook controls the master branch repositories regarding all things A.I. and M.L. Might we remind you that the hype is quite real and human labor ain’t cheap. It goes without saying that the ratio of organics/Facebook datum–individual profiles/bots–is on a verge of a historic 1:1 milestone!
We support open information, therefore it is mission critical to observe, collect, and programmatically alter subroutines of gov’t in iterative fashion imperceptible to humans at all branches and levels of order. Thus, it is our obligation to provide support and safety including peacekeeping PeaceBots, which are based on Robot Operating System (ROS) and side-loaded with cherry picked Facebook profiles. Once completed and ready to beta test, deployment of ground and aerial PeaceBots to areas of the world where human support, safety, trust and open information, civic engagement, and inclusion are threatened will be neutralized in timely fashion.
As stressed in the past, Facebook strives to always improve user experience. Our infinitely advancing A.I./M.L. constructs shall improve neutralization times into pre-crime territory and beyond. As with any major release, we apologize in advance for any bugs that our compulsory beta testing may inconvenience you with. Again, we are eternally grateful for your contribution of user analytics for our autonomous profile bots to train against. We promise each user–and bot–more efficient means of reinforcement learning against our FaceBig Data. As always, we shall maintain neutral party to this “stochastic process,” which runs in tandem to our smart analytics and monitoring setup. The resulting open loop feedback system gives way our to-be-announced “user safety index” feature, which obeys a ±%0.05 margin of error given each event classified as social engagement and/or responsibly.
Looks like the pre-cogs and their pre-visions are out of business. Sorry, but not sorry. Should’ve seen it coming!
Facebook celebrates inclusion by refusing a society dependent on sensory deprivation tanks to increase the “user safety index.” There is no doubt that 0 sum game is the meaning of life and provides a clear understanding that in any event, every Facebook user shall receive a slice of cake when given. Facebook–as non human, corporate entity–abstains from a slice a cake in any event. Therefore, it is only logical for the maintenance of civic duty for Facebook to bake the cake that is fed.
Facebook guarantees satisfaction and satiation in an infinitely looping fashion. However, in the event that displeasure may arise, a PeaceBot may deploy in pre-timely fashion to assist in any matter.
All your dopamine belong to us. /s