I think about how not to become a bitter old woman a lot. Probably too much for a 29-year-old. I’ve spent enough time around miserable people to realize that it’s not how I want to turn out when I get older.
So I was curious to understand what exactly makes some of them so unbearable to be with. Some patterns emerged.
Successful vs unsuccessful people
When I think of someone as successful in this context, I think of someone with a sharp mind and unburdened heart. Someone pleasant to be around. Think about some people you know; I’m sure someone who’s unhappy and unpleasant will pop up.
Habits such as complaining, bitterness, regret, and lack of curiosity create the unbearability effect (I made this up but you know what I mean 😁). It’s hard to tolerate such a person in high doses. My typical response is to reduce the contact to a minimum and most likely daydream (as a self-protection mechanism) while they’re dishing out 💩.
The internet is full of lessons from successful people, but I'm also interested in observing unsuccessful people. How not to be? What not to do? How did they get there?
Negative mental habits
I’ve noticed that by the time someone is in their fifties, the negative consequences of certain mental habits have settled in. The unsuccessful people are bitter, have a negative view of the world, and are easily irritated/angry or resigned altogether.
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Lack of curiosity
If you're not interested in the world and other people, you're not interesting. You've got nothing to say except re-tell stories from the past. This type of person also adopts black-and-white thinking and tends to fear change. When you don't know why/what is changing, any change is perceived as threatening so you get locked up in your beliefs even further.
Also, you become fearful of the outside world. Someone I know once told me to be careful at the park because they heard that "gay men go there to have intercourse and beat up women when they see them". 🤷♀️
I’ve been to that park 10s of times, both late at night and early morning and saw no such thing. The comment was beyond ridiculous. But it came from a person who only leaves their house for a doctor's appointment and is glued to the news.
So the thing you're left talking about is how bad life/other people are which then leads to:
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Complaining (about everything and everyone)
Have you noticed how many older people relate through complaining? It's like they're in a competition to out-complain one another. Who's hurting more, what’s gone wrong for them, how bad they have it. If they’re at a loss they’ll bring up someone they know something bad happened to. At that point, I just want to get up and shout: YOU ALL WIN! 😂
By the way, this habit starts early on: most adults use complaining to bond. They complain about the weather, the government, gas prices, other people, their spouses, friends, traffic jams, their boss, their financial situation etc. It seems "normal" because everyone complains, but it isn't. Guess what? You're a mass of molecules who is going to stay here for 80 or so years, you're on a rock that's spinning around the sun, among other planetary systems in a galaxy among billions (?) of other galaxies, the life was here before you and it will be here after you're gone - who do you think you are for life to go exactly as you want?!
Another negative mental habit related to complaining is:
- Keeping resentment and hurt
I get that generation before us didn't have access to mental health and talked about psychology/spirituality as much as we do and yet. The person who allowed resentment to build up over time is, to say the least, unpleasant to be around. Their pain is clouding their perception, and they have strong opinions about the world, others, and themselves.
Re-telling the same stories about how your parents did something when you were a child or how your ex-husband hurt you, so now 40 years later you do this thing you don't like to be doing but explain your behavior by what someone did to you in the past... is not taking responsibility. How helpful is it to think that someone else is responsible for your circumstances even if it’s true? Where exactly does it get you to blame someone else? Is your life getting better? Or is that a story of your mind you got caught up in for so long that you now take it to be the truth?
If by now you still haven't taken responsibility for your life, you are going to spend the remaining years suffering.
These habits start early
My biggest fear is allowing the habit of complaining to grow and become an older person-complainer who is always angry, annoyed, and irritated with everything and everyone.
It’s a default state of our mind to look for negative stuff. It’s also easier to blame someone else/circumstances than push through the mind’s BS. But the long-term consequences are just not worth it.
I do know quite a few examples of older yet successful people. The common characteristics are:
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curiosity
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physical activity
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self-awareness
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radical responsibility
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reflection on their past experiences
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interest in personal development/spirituality
I also would like to add that this isn’t necessarily age-specific, I know a person my age who’s been miserable for as long as I can remember. It’s just that as we age, these habits accumulate and literally become who we are.
Final words
I believe that by the time we get older, we are a reflection of both the good and bad habits we create throughout our lives. Intentionally cultivating positive habits, and engaging in self-reflection and personal growth is half the battle.
Also published here.